Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

Indeed...

Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200!"

Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

A variation on the old light bulb jokes
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A CATHOLIC CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, so you move the bull to another parish.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NORFOLK CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
... but the other one is your sister.

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off..
Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey. "

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, nicely fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe pits and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and designed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed his hat and a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he got nearer to the pond, he was amazed to hear the sound of laughter and shouting. When he emerged from behind a peach tree, he saw five gorgeous teenage girls skinny-dipping in his pond. As soon as they saw him, they squealed in alarm and hid themselves in the deep end.

"We're not coming out until you leave!" one of them shouted.
"Nice beaver," chuckled the old man.
"Filthy perve!" shouted another.
"Yeah...don't think you're gonna see my tits ya dirty ol' man!" screamed a third, hastily covering up the magnificent pair the old man's eyes were glued to.

The old man frowned. "Lookee here, girls. I didn't come down here to watch five little cuties swimmin' nekkid as a jaybird in mah pond. I ain't gonna make you git out nekkid neither." Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm jus' here to feed mah 'gator. Don't mind me."

"G-GATOR!!!" The girls screamed in unison. All five shrieked with fright and scrambled out of the pool.
"Here, lemme help ya out," said the old man, putting his arm around the prettiest girl.

Which goes to prove that old men who don't move so quickly can still think faster than a young stud!

An Irish girl who had not seen her parents for over five years came home unexpectedly one day. No sooner has she set foot inside the house than her father rounded on her angrily: "Mother of God, Roisin! Where have you been all this time? Look at the state of you, girl! You're wearing lipstick and that skirt barely covers your bottom! You shamless ingrate! You left us without a word on your sixteenth birthday and we've not had so much as a line from you in five years. Why didn't you call? Do you have any idea what you've put your poor Mam through?!"

Roisin started crying and sobbed: "Oh da...I fell in with a bad crowd...sniff...started sleeping around...took drugs...sniff...and then I became a prostitute..."
"Holy Mary!" shouted her father. "What did you say? A PROSTITUTE!? You evil little sinner! You're a disgrace to this family—I don't ever want to see your face again!"

"OK, Da," said Roisin, dying her eyes on an expensive, silk handkerchief. "I only came back to give Mum this fur coat, the title deeds to a ten-bedroomed villa in Spain and a savings account certificate for five million Euros. For my little brother, Sean...I got this gold Rolex, and for you, dearest Da—the 'S' type Jag that's parked outside—plus lifetime membership to the Ballymurphy Golf Club...(takes a deep breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve with me on board my new yacht on the French Riviera, and—"

Her Father interrupted and asked: "What was it you said you had become again?"
His daughter started crying again and sobbed: "Sniff...a dirty little slut, Da...sniff...a shameless harlot who sells her body for money...a—a PROSTITUTE!"

Oh! Sweet Bejeesus! The Lord be praised!" exclaimed her father, clasping her to his bosom. "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your Da a kiss!"

A bloke pops round to visit a sick mate who has a broken leg.
"Anything I can do for you, mate?" he asks.
"My feet are freezing cold, mate," his friend replies. "Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please?"

The bloke goes upstairs and finds his mate's gorgeous, sixteen-year-old identical twin daughters in the bedroom, stark bollock naked.

"Hi, girls," he says, looking them up and down appraisingly. "It's your lucky day."
"Watcha mean?" said the first daughter, hurriedly slipping into a black, lace thong and bra while her sister covered herself with a towel.
"Your dad sent me up here to s**g the a**e off you," said the bloke.
The first daughter says, "P**s off! He never did."
"He did too," replies the bloke, unzipping his trousers.
"No he never," said the second daughter, clutching the towel tightly to her heaving breasts.

"Oh yes he did," insisted the bloke, "want me to prove it?"
"Go on then," taunted the first daughter, staring boldly at him.

"Both of them?" the bloke yells down the stairs.

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them! They're a pair aren't they?"

Funny Bone Tickled:

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to the counter and orders a drink. After a while, he says loudly to the girl behind the bar: - "Hey, do you want to hear a really good joke about blondes?" Silence falls in the bar and in a deep, gravely voice the lesbian to his left says :- "Before you tell your joke, there's something you should know...The girl behind the bar is blonde, the girl by the door is blonde and I'm a 6 foot, 16 stone blonde with a black belt in karate. The girl to my left is blonde and she lifts weights. The girl to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell your joke?" - "Not if I'll have to explain it five times..."

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F****** DISHES!!"

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it

EEEEWWWWWW!!!!

Little johnny was at school and his teacher said to the class "today were going to be learning about words with 3 syllables"

So quickly johnny raised his hand impatiently and waved it around.
"Yes johnny" said the teacher surpised

"ive got one" johnny replied. "Mas-Tur-Bate"

The teacher trying to keep a straight face said "thats a bit of a mouthful isnt it?"

"No" replied johnny, "your thinkin of a blow-job"

LOL

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn?t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said,
"I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her. The captain replied: "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.

Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see
a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin
and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we
have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black
bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge
grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big
mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices.

Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?"

LMAO again